One of the things that I find frustrating in Austria is starting friendships with Austrians. They seem to have an attitude of, “What the hell do you want?” when you show some interest and extend an invitation of some sort. I often feel rebuffed when making a light inquiry like going to coffee together.
I think that was one of the reasons for the Starbucks success in the United States. When starting a new friendship in Los Angeles, an invitation to meet up at Starbucks was clearly understood. It read, “I like you and might be interested in a friendship. Let’s see if we are compatible over a cup of coffee.” This worked because a cup of coffee at Starbucks is considered a minor investment of time. It allowed both parties to either stay an hour and realize that there is no potential and go, or stay three hours because the persons understood each other so well.
When I first moved here, I tried to stay away from the American circles. I thought, “I’m here and want to integrate into this culture. The best way to do that is be friends with Austrians.” Much to my frustration, I was regarded with suspicion. I backed away in surprise, thinking I had done something to offend.
When I realized that it was just the Austrian way and stopped taking it personally, I was quickly tired out by the feeling that I had to coax someone to be my friend. Like saying, “It’s okay little guy. I don’t bite. See, I’m not so scary.”
So now that I have become frustrated and worn out by the Austrian friendship hesitation..thing.. I have over the last year directed my efforts to fellow Americans. Within one meeting, I usually have a lunch date planned or a coffeehouse visit scheduled. It’s so easy! For example, just on Wednesday, I met another American woman for the first time. Tonight I am meeting up with her for dinner. We both know it is a casual get-together and don’t anticipate much but a good chat and a little companionship. If the situation grows to a friendship, then we both won something valuable. If it fizzles out, then it fizzles out. No hard feelings.
So here is my plea on the Austrians. If someone is extending a little friendship, think positive and accept the invitation. In my opinion, you can never have too many friends in this life.
friendship in austria
You are right. Apparently it takes YEARS to form a friendship in Austria. One of our neighbours is Swiss and she moved here 25 years ago. She says it took her and her husband AGES to find one friend. Now they have 5 friends after 25 years!
I’ve found that the people in my village tend to socialize in larger groups associated with a club – be that the choir, the fruit and vegetable club, the eisstocksverein or whatever. I know a lot of Austrians in this kind of way and they are my friends but it is different to the UK where my friends and I would be around each others houses all the time. Having said that, we are good friends with a couple of our neighbours and pop in to see each other often.
I’d imagine it is slightly different for you living in the city compared to a village of just 1000 people.
Hi Emily,
Thanks for the comment. I was a bit reluctant to write this post because I thought, maybe I’m just too sensitive.
On the other hand, once you do make friends with an Austrian, I think it is a life long friendship. So we just have to get used to the extra work for the extra reward.
your post couldn’t be better timed. i have made a focused effort over the last few weeks to better understand this. i’ll relate a, for me, eye opening story below. the summary tho, after asking several Viennese i know what they think about this is that “lots of Viennese are lonely.” its a sad situation for them as well as for those of us who are trying to break in.
the story – i run for fitness, fun, and socially. in many places in the world, running has been a way for me to enter the culture and find friends. so a couple of weekends ago i ran in an event here and purposefully stayed around the clubhouse for the awards thinking that it might be a good situation to mix. so, i’m sitting there in my Palo Alto Run Club t-shirt for like two hours. sometimes very obviously reading The Botany of Desire – partly as a potential conversation starter – and not one person comes over and says hi. not one and there are like 100 people there. yes, i introduced myself to several people – asking questions about the race, the local run club, the awards, the raffle, whatever i could think of, they answered politely and then quickly went back to what they were doing (texting, talking with their little groups of friends, eating their bread, nothing).
at the awards ceremony, the loudspeaker wasn’t working. the leader asks for quiet. people got quiet for maybe a minute and then went right back to talking. and from what i could tell, it was just idle talk. not commenting on the award winners (unless it was themselves…) or anything to do with the run. women gossiping (at least that’s what it seemed like and not in quiet voices) and guys talking AT each other in loud voices. there was a bit of applause for the award winners, but it became almost impossible to hear the presentation… from my perspective, it was more than rude. i guess here its normal. but it sure isn’t functional.
one reason that i don’t get it is that the peeps i do get to know here aren’t like that. maybe that;s because i’m mostly meeting people that my g/f knows??? last weekend, for instance g/f’s younger daughter had us over for Raclette. it was g/f, me, her two daughters, and two guys their age (young 20s). conversation was great! polite. everyone was interested in what the others had to say. variety of topics. none of it petty.
oh, back to the race, there was one guy in the locker room who auf wiedersdained me when he was leaving. that was nice.
thanks for letting me gripe. really the whole thing is no big deal. i just shake it off. but it is disappointing. in general, the Viennese just don’t seem to give a shit about outsiders. i am fairly good at making friends. almost everywhere i’ve been, i meet people. it comes fairly easy to me. at this point, i’ve been in Vienna a total of about 6 months and i know only 2 people other than g/f’s family. one is Jordanian and the other is Japanese…. i really don’t think its me… but its hard to maintain a good ‘tude…
Hi Ron,
Sorry about your frustration. I just figure it’s a little bit about swallowing your pride and just continue to make overtures of friendship. Once the Austrian in question realizes you mean well, then a great friendship can come out of it. It’s a bit stupid, I know, but when and Rome and all that
Hi Britta,
just stumbled across your blog (I was actually looking for Americans who have found good substitutes for cooking & baking ingredients that are not available here – got any ideas??).
Let me tell you, you are not alone. I’m German and here for my second year now. I have exactly 2 “real” Austrian friends. Same for all my German friends – unless forced to do otherwise, the Viennese stay in their comfortable world.
I guess you just have to keep on trying.
Whatever, just wanted to share this with you, hope you are enjoying Vienna so far.
Yes it has been hard to make friends in Austia for me too. My husband is German, and most of my friends are also German. I do have 2 close Austrian friends, one who spent 8 years working abroad, and another who is obsessed with America.
But I look at it like this with Europeans in general. Imagine a circle within a circle, with Europeans it is very hard to get within the first circle, but once you are in the first circle you are in for life. Compare this to Americans. It is very easy to get in the first circle, but hard to get in the second inner circle. Some of my closest friends are Europeans, it just took awhile to get to know them. Yet I have several American friends, well at least who I thought were friends, and looking back, I hardly know them. I feel Americans, while I love them (I am one!) and are the nicest people, can be sort of fake. Austrians, and Europeans in general, I think are just more honest.
Hi! I just happened to come across your blog and have totally been able to relate to several of your posts. I’m an American (from Texas) and have been living in Vorarlberg, Austria for the last 10 years.
I, too, wanted to avoid the whole only being friends with Americans thing. Just because we’re from the same country doesn’t mean we necessarily get along. My boyfriend and I run a language school, so I do come into contact with the occasional American, some of whom I like as friends, others not so much.
Making friends with Austrians, however, has been very difficult. And to actually get to the point of becoming friends, it was always me who had to make the first move. The typical Vorarlberg woman already has her circle of friends and isn’t all that interested in making new ones. Apparently this applies to locals, though, not just foreigners – a good Austrian friend of mine told me that had happened to her in her own hometown! The person actually came out and said, “I already have a lot of friends and don’t have time for any new ones.” If that isn’t enough to frustrate you! Anyway, I’ve learned to be happy with the few good Austrian friends I do have and appreciate the contact I have with other foreigners living in the area, American or otherwise.
And I’ll definitely be back to check out more of your blog!
Hi Alison. Thanks for reading my blog