When you are born and raised in one place, and then move to live in another, your inner balance tips. A lot of what you were raised to believe no longer applies in the new place that you are.
Eventually you come to ask yourself, how do I fit in here? What part of myself do I give up? What part do I keep? These are scary questions to ask when looking in the mirror as an expat.
In Los Angeles, where I was born and raised, being friendly to everyone, fast-moving, fast-talking, aggressive in the business world, fashionably dressed, and ignoring hierarchy is the way of L.A.
There you carelessly make a promise and break it without a blink. There you are worried about the competition taking your job. There you climb the corporate ladder as fast as you are capable of, be damned of age or experience.
L.A. is not an easy town, but that’s exactly what makes it great. Everyone knows it requires an aggressive attitude that allows one to take risk. And if you take risk, at some point you will fall on your ass. Los Angelians don’t participate in schadenfreude. Instead, they grab you by the hand, haul you up, and tell you to try again.
So I brought these principles of life from LA to Vienna with me. They worked very well for me in LA, so why wouldn’t I? Umm, because they don’t work in Vienna?
Vienna is quiet, slower, loyal, modest, and more patient than LA will ever be. LA isn’t interested in any of these traits. Neither was I when I first came here.
Now that I have been in Vienna almost three years, I get that I have to change my ways to fit in. But I find that I ask myself, how badly do I want to fit in?
For example. I’m a very fashionable dresser and take pride in that. The Viennese see this as a silly vanity and I am looked down upon because of it. I ask myself if I should tone down my way of dressing. I would fit in better if I did.
Then I think, why the hell should I dress down to make those around me feel better? It’s the choice of those around me to look frumpy. They can change it with a quick visit to H&M and a good eye at the make-up counter. But they choose not to. Therefore, why should their personal choice affect me?
The Austrians are also very modest. They keep quiet about their success. I would find this admirable if it didn’t drive me absolutely crazy! I love to hear about a person’s success because I think, oh, I can learn from you!
So I still don’t know what I intend to keep about myself and what I intend to change for the sake of fitting in. Even in LA I marched to my own drum, so maybe I’m just incapable of blending in, taking the quieter, conservative route.
I am after all an expat, and let’s face it people, that is not the route of the cautious and conservative.
Tell me, have you struggled with this topic? What conclusion have you come to?
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I think you make a good point and Viennese culture is something all expats struggle with, even Austrian “expats”. I don’t think you can ever please the Viennese, no matter how much you change and I’m not even sure it’s worth it. Funny you mentioned dressing, coming from Seattle I actually had to dress up, never noticed that LA was that fancy. I really enjoyed creating a new wardrobe, something I had wanted to do for years, but in Seattle there was no point to it. So while I have changed a lot about my wardrobe, I would like to think that I have not changed anything else about myself. Even in changing the way I dress every day I kept my own style, still on the casual side, keeping American favorites like Gap, Anthropologie and JCrew. However, I do know lots of women who dress very fancy in every day life, with heels and accessories, like going to the theater, and they pull it off. Maybe it just depends what environment you are in, my experience has been that Vienna values individuality. So, from my experience, I would say change only what suits you, maybe something you have always wanted to change but never had the right environment for it. Being an expat doesn’t necessarily mean being an outsider. Vienna is a big melting pot where you can be yourself, don’t take everything you hear seriously. People here often say things just to test you. I have always followed “to thy own self be true” and it has served me well, even in Vienna. No, you can’t be friends with everyone here, but people will respect you for who you are or admire you for your originality. And then, who wants to be friends with everybody? And Viennese like to show off their status just like Americans do. In certain social circles that is all they talk about, their success. But they are also cautious when bragging because people here are extremely envious, that is why one never talks about how much they make, even with close friends. So they just keep their success secrets to themselves. Being an expat actually gives you the luxury to stay out of local power struggles. I conveniently use the fact that I am a foreigner whenever I want to go my own way or don’t want to get involved in local stuff. I can get away with it every single time, I have found that Austrians always accept it, even if they can’t understand it. So be an expat, be unique and have fun with it!
Just one other observation: the US has a lower rate of personal savings than in Europe. Economic articles frequently talk about the German focus on exports to drive GDP instead of personal consumption. From an attitude standpoint, the Austrians aren’t that different from their cousins.
I wouldn’t entirely isolate the dressing down/frumpiness to personal choice – some of it is definitely cultural, coming from the obsession to try and save. Having moved to Vienna from the UK, and from Canada before that, there definitely seems to be an attitude shift here from the American & British attitude towards borrowing & spending. Property bubbles anyone?
Then again, that’s why the US consumer drives the world! ;o)
Britta,
You should try coming to Italy. If you don’t take the trash out in high fashion you are an outcast.
I just found your blog and am enjoying it.
HHI is coming to our house in July. How was your experience? Tell me everything I need to know!
Hi Italian Postcard,
Thanks for reading my blog. HHI was so much fun! I know that they don’t tell you much, but that is okay. They know what they are doing and just move around you. I’ll tell you more via email =)
KR,
Britta
p.s. taking out the trash in high fashion sounds like a good place to be for me =)
I’ve definitely struggled with this as well, and constantly analyze the changes occurring within the longer I am here (in Japan). Sometimes I realize my behavior is changing to “blend” better with my surroundings (patterns of speech, social actions, etc) but I also note that the “American” traits I have don’t just go away – they only show up on certain occasions. Different situations call for different behaviors. And some things, like clothes, I just do (mostly) whatever I want – unless in certain situations (such as work, etc) that have a dress code. Although, the idea of “fitting in” or “blending in” is extremely Japanese (or any interdependent culture) whereas “marching to our own drum” is more of a Western/independent culture thing (and very strongly American).
On the other hand, young adulthood is also the time when identity is formed and shaped, and so for me, though I felt a lot of mine was solidified a few years ago (and still holds true) I also acknowledge that my time in Japan (or just the fact that I’m abroad) has had some influence on my identity and how I view myself and the world.
Anyway, interesting post! Enjoyed reading your thoughts!